oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
