please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
