i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
