they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
