So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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