I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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