Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
