So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
