I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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