his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
