you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
