I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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