The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
