ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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