I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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