I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Are my feet made of real feet?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
