Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
