This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
