fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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