I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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