Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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