I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize