I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
