for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
