his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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