You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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