Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize