i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
