So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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