My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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