I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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