you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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