Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
