Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
