I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
