you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
my poor anus
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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