He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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