Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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