On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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