you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
