fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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