I will die if light touches me.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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