Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
