I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
