Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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