Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
