Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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