We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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