Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
