like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
