i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
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