Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he thought i was a dude.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
