Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
