Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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