my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
