this beer tastes like vomit already
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
