So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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