i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
