if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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