I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm sobbing to NWA
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
